Full Review

28 March 2007 - It seems that humanity is close to finally going completely down the toilet. A series of massive disasters has left the earth packing less than 1 billion human inhabitants. Well if it stops all these celebrity reality shows being made, we say bring it on.

Humankind has one last hope as you’d expect. This time it’s a shapely one in the guise of a beautiful witch with staff like weapon known as a "gunrod". Oooerr…

For all its trimmings, Bullet Witch amounts to another third person shooter. We wonder what it brings to the party when Gears of War and Lost Planet already achieve so much. Let’s hubble bubble toil and trouble to find out.

If you want our potted verdict of Bullet Witch we can sum up in two words. It’s crap.

Right, so the long version then. While the premise is interesting enough, there’s just not enough to this game. As Alicia the aforementioned witch, your aim is simply to slaughter every ridiculously over the top enemy you come across. It’s about as deep as the peroxide blonde hairdo this broad gets every Tuesday.

It looks passable at first glance. Bullet Witch certainly has, err, assets, but as things start moving you’ll realise they’re all fake. The frame rate stutters like a nervous schoolboy on the receiving end of Alicia’s charms. Shadows morph into whatever blocky black messes they fancy and the barrels that litter the landscape seem to defy the laws of physics by letting you run straight through them. Even your magical powers can’t explain rubbish collision detection away.

Sound wise it’s all wailing banshees too. The effects lack any real punch – odd considering the size of your weapon – and the voice acting is laughably bad. We’re talking worse than your typical porno bad here. Let’s just say Alicia and her fellow Bullet Witch inhabitants won’t be up for for Academy Awards any time soon.

If you’re looking for a challenge, you won’t find it here either. Your typical enemy looks like an oversized brain and can be dispatched simply by standing still and shooting. They just float there, seemingly oblivious to this Elvira like character taking potshots at them.

The human companions that join you from time to time are even more stupid. They’ll happily wander into your line of fire and block your view causing yet another untimely death.

You’d think a witch could magic up an easy to use weapon. Something that could be slipped into a handbag, hung in a cloakroom and generally concealed about her person. But no, this gunrod is about the most unwieldy piece of kit we’ve ever seen. It’s taller than your character and about as easy to manoeuvre as a sleeping Sumo wrestler.

You do have other weapons such as lightning strikes and telekinesis powers that can propel objects into enemies, but these are so obscenely difficult to flick through in the heat of battle that you’ll be dead before you make it. Half a dozen button presses for a dodgy looking storm? No thanks.

VERDICT
If you somehow manage to play through the entire thing without throwing up, you’ll see the end credits in less than 6 hours. There’s no multiplayer option or online game to speak of.

This witch may look sexy, but she’s got nothing to offer under that split skirt. Trust us, we looked so you don’t have to.